Posted in USA News

Music Festival Attendee Loves The High You Get From Mixing Ecstasy With Heatstroke

CHICAGO—Saying the combination created a sensory experience like no other, Lollapalooza attendee Emily Payne told reporters Friday that she loved the high you get from…

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QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus

Fear of contracting coronavirus has prompted many restaurants to replace their paper menus with QR codes, a type of digital barcode technology, though it remains…

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Olympians Describe Their Biggest Heartbreaks At The Games

“My silver medal turned my neck all green.” Read more…

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Key Members Of The House January 6 Committee

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Bad News Gamers: Kirby Has Been Expelled From The Garden Of Eden After Inhaling Fruit From The Tree Of Knowledge

Ugh, we’ve got some tough news to share with you today, gamers. It looks like Kirby has been kicked out of the Garden of Eden…

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Scarlett Johansson Sues Disney For Breach Of Contract That Guaranteed ‘Black Widow’ Would Never Be Released

LOS ANGELES—Alleging that the movie should have legally never been allowed to see the light of day, Scarlett Johansson reportedly sued Disney this week for…

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Pope Francis Holds Mass With Giant Ape Bishop Of Skull Island

BARREN UPLANDS, SKULL ISLAND—After posing for photos on the shoulder of the 150-foot-tall, hirsute pastor, Pope Francis reportedly held a mass for several thousand worshippers…

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Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

TOKYO—With the pair continuing to exhibit flawlessly coordinated physical behaviors, reports confirmed frightened Olympic divers Wang Zongyuan and Xie Siyi remained unable to desynchronize their…

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How New Olympic Sports Are Chosen

The Tokyo Olympics feature four new sports, including skateboarding, surfing, and karate, all chosen after a long and contentious process. The Onion provides a step-by-step…

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‘Arthur’ Cancelled After 25 Seasons

PBS’s educational series Arthur about an 8-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark navigating life will end after 25 seasons, making it the longest-running kids animated series in history….

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