Posted in USA News

‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will Experience

NORFOLK, VA—Mustering the last of his strength to turn and face his wife, local dying man Stanley Tarrington, 58, reportedly used his final labored breaths…

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Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro Tests Positive For Covid-19

Following months of refusing to wear a mask or socially distance, Brazil’s president announced Tuesday that he has Covid-19, telling reporters that he assumed he…

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Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to…

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How To Extend The Lifespan Of Your Tech Devices

As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious, keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress. The Onion offers tips for extending…

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Corrupt Policeman Worried About Working With Partner Who Has Never Once Taken Bribe

BOSTON—Saying he “doesn’t know what this fucking guy’s problem is,” corrupt police officer Glen Morris confirmed Wednesday that he was deeply concerned to be working…

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Rochester Police Instinctively Place Unregistered Handgun Next To Fallen Frederick Douglass Statue

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Record 7% Of Birthday Cake Slice Makes It Into Grandmother’s Mouth

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Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Drawing from deep wells of courage he had previously assumed depleted, local man Alex Delande somehow mustered the strength Wednesday to fold laundry without…

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Patrick Mahomes Signs 10-Year, $400 Million Extension With Chiefs

Quarterback Patrick Mahomes has agreed to a $400 million contract extension to continue playing for the Kansas City Chiefs through 2031, making Mahomes the highest-paid…

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City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims

Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an…

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