Posted in USA News

New Madden ‘Owner Mode’ Allows Players To Customize Concussion Study Findings

REDWOOD CITY, CA—Touting it as the most realistic update to their long running “Franchise Mode,” EA Sports revealed Friday that the new “Owner Mode” options…

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Lack Of Concrete Dinner Plans Leaves Power Vacuum Filled By Radical Pro-Tapas Fanatics

PRINCETON, NJ—With the entire evening now threatened by extremists, a lack of concrete dinner plans Friday left a power vacuum reportedly filled by radical pro-Tapas…

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One Out Of Every 500 Americans Have Died From Covid Since Beginning Of Pandemic

According to Johns Hopkins University data, about out of every 500 Americans have died from coronavirus since the nation’s first reported infection last year, with…

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Study: 86% Of Families Hoarse From Screaming By Time They Arrive At Outlet Mall

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Concluding that it didn’t matter whether the car ride was five minutes down the block or 30 minutes down the highway, a new study…

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Study Finds Virus Frequently Fooled By Fake Vaccine Card

BALTIMORE—A new study released Friday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University revealed that the novel coronavirus Covid-19 was frequently fooled by fake vaccine cards. “We…

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Something To Consider, ‘Earthbound’ Fans: It Appears Peaceful Means Of Bringing About An ‘Earthbound’ Rerelease Have Failed You Yet Again

Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more,…

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Party Reaches Point Where Toilet Somewhat But Not Completely Clogged

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The Onion’s Guide To CRISPR

Gene-editing technology CRISPR was in the spotlight this week after a biotech startup unveiled a mission to use it to resurrect wooly mammoths by 2027….

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Taco Bell Testing Monthly Subscription Service

Taco Bell is testing a 30-day subscription service in which subscribers pay $5 to $10 a month for a Taco Lovers Pass that allows them…

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5 Things To Know About Ivermectin

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