Posted in USA News

Major Things Your Teacher Glossed Over In Sex Ed

When it comes to sex education, schools in the U.S. are still firmly stuck in the 1980s. Aside from how to put a condom on…

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‘You’ve Been Cited For Drinking Adrenochrome At Work,’ Facebook HR Warns Employee During Conspiracy-Laden Performance Review

MENLO PARK, CA—As part of the social media company’s quarterly conspiracy-laden performance review, Facebook human resources representative Amber Sutherland warned employee Simon Daniels Thursday that…

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ArcLight, Pacific Theatres Closing Permanently

ArcLight and Pacific Theatres, including the beloved ArcLight Hollywood and historic Cinerama Dome that are known for hosting numerous movie premieres and being featured in…

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Report: San Diegans Just Assumed Padres Were In Los Angeles Now Too

SAN DIEGO—Revealing that the top responses were “Really?” and “Huh,” a new market report conducted by local media affiliates released Thursday revealed that San Diegans…

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Loose-Cannon ACLU Investigator Beats Recantation Out Of Confessed Murderer

HOUSTON—Brutally coercing the suspect into reaffirming his innocence, loose-cannon American Civil Liberties Union investigator Roberta Spatz reportedly beat a recantation out of confessed murderer Leonard…

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Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners

FIRST CIRCLE, HELL—Able to partake in many of the freedoms afforded to those who still walk the Earth, the soul of disgraced financier and convicted…

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OFF! Unveils New Citronella Effigy To Protest Ruthless Mosquitoes

RACINE, WI—Debuting an instrument of dissent carved in the image of the widely condemned pest, insect repellent brand OFF! announced Thursday it would begin selling…

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Objectively Too Many Recommendations For Knives

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Hawaii Developing Vaccine Passport Program

Hawaii is working with multiple app developers to create a digital passport system that would allow travelers who are vaccinated against Covid-19 to bypass quarantine…

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Birth Control: Myth Vs. Fact

Birth control is used by over half of women in the U.S., yet there are many misconceptions surrounding it. The Onion looks at common myths…

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