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Unprocessed Rage Taken Out On Eyebrows

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Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have To Do To Make Dipshit Look Up From Phone

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf’s attention, a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a…

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Google Vows To Not Use Fitbit Data For Advertising

As part of their bid to finalize a $2.1 billion deal to purchase Fitbit, Google told EU regulators this week that the company will not…

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Ominous Twitter Bio Warns Foolhardy Readers That They Have Entered Realm Of Political Incorrectness

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A Guide To U.S. Coronavirus Travel Restrictions

As the coronavirus pandemic continues through the summer months, many states and cities around the U.S. have implemented restrictions on travelers. The Onion highlights some…

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Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group

COLUMBIA, SC—As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the assignment, every member of the Columbia Police Department was reportedly excitedly…

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California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway

SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a…

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Wells Fargo Orders Employees To Delete TikTok Citing Security Concerns

Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to fears the Beijing-based social media…

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IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year

Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie…

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New Report Links Nationwide Decline In Mental Health To Not Being Able To Eat Inside Hard Rock Cafe

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing…

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