Tag: news
Poll: Half Of Trump Voters Would Blame Him For Recession
A poll released Wednesday found that 42% of respondents who voted for Trump in 2016 would hold him partially responsible for an economic downturn, and…
Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught man Andrew Wan, brought to the verge…
Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale
NAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr felt distraught Friday after…
We Imprison Hideo Kojima In An Interview Room Until He Breaks Down And Admits He’s Just Making Shit Up As He Goes Along
If you’ve called yourself a gamer in the past 30 years, then you know the name, Hideo Kojima. As the mastermind writer, director, and designer…
Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round
MISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard” with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed Friday that local woman Linda Gillespie is…
Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement
ANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest from all the fun he was having in…
Bernie Sanders Launches $16 Trillion Climate Plan
Democratic 2020 contender Bernie Sanders announced the most expansive climate plan among the field, spending $16 trillion to decarbonize the economy by 2050 and allegedly…
Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body
WICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s side, aides reportedly struggled Friday to prevent dozens of…
David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity
THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching,…