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Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too

PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would…

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Kamala Harris Leaves 2020 Race

After months of low polling and a struggle to define herself against opponents, Senator Kamala Harris announced she would drop out of the 2020 presidential…

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Matt Gaetz Solemnly Raises Pistol To Head After Realizing He Used Barron Trump’s Name While Scolding Witness For Using Barron Trump’s Name

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Mother Confident That Adult Son’s Cycle Of Emotional Terrorism Will Calm Down Once He Finds The Right Girl

HOUSTON—Writing off the behavior as common for his age, local mother Deenah Young told sources Thursday she was confident her 26-year-old son Devin’s psychological abuse…

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Jimmy Carter Released From Hospital

Former President Jimmy Carter has been released from Phoebe Sumter Medical Center and is resting at his home after being admitted for a urinary tract…

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Sonny Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years

WASHINGTON—Responding to the criticism surrounding the Trump administration’s recent decision to tighten restrictions on supplemental nutrition eligibility, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue argued Thursday that…

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Boris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote

LONDON—Monitoring polls and news coverage of the upcoming elections, U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson reportedly expressed concern Thursday that continued accusations of anti-Semitism against the…

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Parents Sign Up Mitch Trubisky For Rec Soccer Team In Hopes He’ll Develop Interest In Sports

MENTOR, OH—Figuring that, at worst, it would be a good way to get him outside, parents of Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky confirmed Thursday that…

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Researchers Release Teeny Little Minotaur Into Maze To Test Mice’s Capacity To Use Enchanted String

CHICAGO—In an effort to study the rodents’ ability to manipulate simple magical objects, researchers at the University of Chicago reportedly released a teeny little minotaur…

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Woman Tries Reading Shampoo Bottle Directions In French First To Test If She’s Secretly Smart

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