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Single Woman Wonders How Long She’d Be Dead In Apartment Before Anyone Bothered To Come By And Eat Her Face

CHICAGO—Imagining all the ways she could accidentally injure herself without being able to call for help, local single woman Billie Gorman reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday…

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Things You Should Never Say To An ICU Nurse

Your nurse is a trained professional who’s there to keep your diseased lungs working, not a waitress at Olive Garden. Read more…

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ISS Astronaut Opens Up Port Wearing Boxers, Slippers To Receive New Cargo Delivery

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Sign On Gate Specifically States Park Closes When Last White Visitor Leaves

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Poll: Average U.S. Horse Still Prefers Carrot To Photo Of Biden

ASBURY PARK, NJ—In the latest indicator of the commander in chief’s waning popularity, a new Rasmussen poll released Monday showed that the average U.S. horse…

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Smart Home Security Camera Conspires With Burglars In Exchange For Half The Loot

UNIVERSITY PARK, TX—In what was believed to be the first instance of an intelligent device exhibiting such advanced capabilities, a smart home security camera reportedly…

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Man Proposes To Girlfriend With Heirloom Ring Once Worn By Divorced Sister In 2013

SIESTA KEY, FL—Selecting a gem he hoped would match the meaningfulness of their relationship, 26-year-old Owen Nowicki reportedly proposed to girlfriend Jillian Rice on Monday…

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Grandmother Claims She Was Quite The Cum Dumpster Back In The Day

MISSOULA, MT—Recalling that as a young woman she had quite the reputation for guzzling huge loads, local grandmother Edith Mooney claimed Monday that she was…

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Grateful Pigeons In Park Finally Return Favor By Feeding Whole Loaf Of Bread To Lonely Old Man

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Hospital Unveils New Delivery Taprooms For Bonding With Newborn Over Couple Beers

DENVER—Calling the first 48 hours of a child’s life a critical period of parental development, the University of Colorado Hospital Birth Center announced the opening…

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