Posted in USA News

NASA Lights Astronauts On Fire In Order To Simulate Life On Venus

HOUSTON—Noting that the training mission would provide crucial insight into humanity’s potential for interplanetary travel, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Thursday that they…

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Smithsonian Acquires Arms Of Kermit The Frog Puppeteer

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Intergalactic Animal Rights Groups Condemn Use Of Brutal, Unsanitary Planet To Raise Human Meat

PR 0201 B—Issuing their latest denunciation in a long string of statements deploring the treatment of living, sentient beings, intergalactic animal rights groups reportedly condemned…

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Half-Shredded Banksy Painting Sells For $25.4 Million

A partially destroyed Banksy painting, Love Is In The Bin, has sold at auction for $25.4 million, more than 18 times what it went for three…

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FDA Authorizes First E-Cigarettes To Stay On U.S. Market

The FDA has authorized the sale of Vuse Solo e-cigarettes and tobacco-flavored pods, explaining that the benefits for adults trying to quit smoking outweigh the…

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The Onion’s Guide To Socially Responsible Investing

Over the past several years, interest has grown in investing in companies that meet the guidelines for ESG, or environmental, social, and governance, but in…

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Bannon Defies Subpoena On Grounds He Digesting Wild Boar Whole Over Next 6 Months

WASHINGTON—Paving the way for the committee to seek criminal charges against the political advisor, former Trump strategist Steve Bannon defied a subpoena from the January…

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Sleep Easy, Gamers: The Original Team Of Developers Behind ‘GoldenEye 007’ All Have Robust Savings Accounts And Can Comfortably Provide For Their Families

For decades, there’s been one question that’s tortured gamers of all ages and stripes: How did the original team of developers behind Goldeneye 007 make…

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Most Terrifying Ways The Government Is Spying On You

The CIA gained intimate access to your development by detaining your parents at a black site and pretending to be them for decades. Read more…

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Similac Introduces New Ghost Pepper Infant Formula

CHICAGO—Touting the new product as a nourishing and blazing-hot way to give newborns their daily nutrients, Similac introduced a new ghost pepper infant formula this…

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