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Everything We Know About ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’

Fall is upon us, and with it comes the perfect season for another installment from one of the best examples of the survival horror genre….

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Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t…

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Trump Nominates Judge Amy Coney Barrett To Supreme Court

President Trump announced Judge Amy Coney Barrett as his nominee for the Supreme Court, a former clerk for Justice Antonin Scalia who at 48 would…

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Republicans Argue Referring To Amy Coney Barrett As ‘Trump’s Court Pick’ Carries Deeply Anti-Catholic Undertones

WASHINGTON—Accusing their Democratic opponents of using coded language to stir up prejudice among the electorate, Republicans argued Monday that references to Amy Coney Barrett as…

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GOP Says Giving Trump Second Term Would Be Christian Act Of Charity For Poor Elderly Man

WASHINGTON—Observing that scripture calls upon the faithful to care for the downtrodden and dispossessed, top GOP leaders argued Monday that giving President Donald Trump a…

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BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained The IRS Tax Form 1040

The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the world writ large. Though governments…

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Panicked Woman Scrambles To Write Down ‘$750’ Before 24-Hour News Cycle Wipes Memory Clean

DULUTH, ID—Throwing open drawers and tossing the entire contents on the floor as part of her desperate search, local woman Lisa Rhodes was reportedly scrambling…

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Botticelli Portrait Expected To Sell For Over $80 Million

A 550-year-old painting of a young nobleman by Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli is expected to sell for well over $80 million when it goes to…

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Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park

Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast. Read more…

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FBI Demands Apple’s Assistance In Opening iPhone Packaging

WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant’s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to…

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