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Tips For Getting Started With ‘Resident Evil: Village’

The sequel to this generation’s hottest horror game is finally out, and we couldn’t be more excited to dive into Ethan Winters’s latest adventure. But…

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‘Is This Thin Enough?’ Asks Butcher Holding Up Half Of Bisected Cow

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Experts Say Best Depression Treatment Remains Having Coal-Covered Street Urchins Sing About Dancing Troubles Away

NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered street…

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Friend In Long-Term Relationship Announces She Wouldn’t Even Be Able To Figure Out Extremely Simple Premise Of Dating App If She Tried

OKEMOS, MI—Claiming she would be absolutely clueless if she were single and had to navigate such a complicated system, local woman Ashley Rice, a friend…

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‘Care To Explain?’ Ask Conservative Parents After Finding Vaccine Card In Son’s Underwear Drawer

BELOIT, WI—Gasping sharply and demanding their son to report to his room this instant, conservative parents Justine and Stewart Taylor asked their son Thursday if…

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U.S. Under Pressure To Suspend Marvel IP So Developing Nations Can Create Own Wolverines

WASHINGTON—Urged to take extraordinary measures in the face of a global crisis, the U.S. was under increasing pressure Thursday to suspend Marvel intellectual property so…

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Arena DJ Overwhelmed By Godlike Power After Getting Fans To Snap Along To ‘Addams Family’ Theme Song On Command

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that he was unsure how to harness his new abilities, Wells Fargo Center DJ Levi Ellington was overwhelmed Thursday by his godlike power after…

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U.S. Gives Developing Countries 60 Seconds With Vaccine Patents To Memorize Everything They Can

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the Covid-19 pandemic abroad, the U.S. reportedly gave developing countries 60 seconds with patents for the vaccine Thursday to memorize…

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Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension

Facebook’s oversight board ruled the social media platform was justified in blocking former President Trump for violating its community standards relating to misinformation and the…

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Mark Zuckerberg Asks Facebook Oversight Board To Rule On Whether Argument Wife’s Fault

MENLO PARK, CA—Stressing that the issue was out of his hands and far beyond the scope of topics he was equipped to address, Mark Zuckerberg…

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